i didn't go out, so watching the countdown on TV. the performances are obviously lip-synced, and when the band performed, the cameras were all over the place - during the guitar solo, the camera is supposed to be on the guitarist and not the bassist or the singer. it was...sad.

anyway, say i am a cynic if you want to. but i always find it interesting how people always seem to place so much on the new year before it's here and then when it's finally here it's really nothing much.

these stuff goes around in circles and before you know it, everyone will be so jaded and then 2008 will end and all the weird celebrations and resolution-making will come again. but how much difference do these things actually make? because if it is so pointless why do we keep doing it?

everytime they countdown...5...4...3...2...i always have these unplaced sense of pending hope that SOMETHING will happen, but nada. all we have in reality is another day and that's it. maybe it's just that sense of hope to keep people going...even if it's false hope or self-deception.

why do i place some things in importance when in reality i doubt they are. makes me feel like an absolute sucker.

at least now i find it easier to just forget about stuff. i'm just not as pushy as before i guess, and it's probably better for me...but realising that reality deviates from perception kind of sucks literally because i feel like a sucker.

so it's the new year, new friends, new life, new school term. should just shove all the weird thoughts aside. it'll be less painful and my grades will (hopefully) improve.

oh yeah just came back from down under. had loads of fun and nearly didn't want to come back...it was a great escape from stuff and a nice peaceful break from things here. but we all have to come back to reality and get back to stuff. probably enjoy the last year and a half of my academic life before the real sian part begins. but one thing's for sure, i wouldn't mind spending an extended period of time in Melbourne - coming home only during fly season.

took a couple of photos, but really quite lazy to upload. will see how. maybe on facebook lah. upload a few only.

i need to make a decision. should i make money to buy a new guitar? or should i just heck guitar and 100% focus on studies (ok almost 100%) in other words, just not buy anymore guitars. yuck, suddenly some accident happens i'm almost one grand in the hole...

to think i was just considering upgrading to a good acoustic guitar...

i'm lost for words. my LP broke today, and i've only played one show with it. okay so i haven't played in any show with my strat either...but it just sucks lah. i don't know what to say. i hardly have the mood to do anything today. my money thrown down the drain. now i'm one guitar short and too cashless to do anything to help.

in the evening went for david sanborn concert. the guy is great...his band was even better. although it may have been a bit too much once in a while...maybe it's the nature of the instrument. i don't know. but i understand jazz music better now. thanks mr sanborn for helping me temporarily forget about my sadness because your music is great.

honestly i'm still denying who i am. not fully but partially at least. so how can i accept myself when i don't even admit to who i am. in a way, i'm lost.

when i talked to marc today i could tell that he felt so lost. and i wonder what is the difference between him and myself. it's like i can see what he's thinking and i went through that almost 8 years ago and almost 8 years later i'm still here trying to feel my way around. i don't know whether i gave him the 'right' advice since i myself am not sure of what 'right' is.

i guess i'm just back to give it a try and make an attempt. but i'm not sure why i'm doing it. perhaps as some may say it's a 'calling' and someone has called me to return...

but whatever it is, i'm kinda just as lost as anyone. it was because of this reason, therefore, that when anyone wanted my opinion tonight i simply couldn't give one. because i have no confidence to do so. i don't know whether this trait existed in me since the beginning or something i picked up along the way -- not saying something till i'm absolutely sure. and so...i am just going to start from the beginning and pick things up all over again. but if i fall out, i really do hope it'll be for a better reason. because i don't like uncertainty. at least it feels better now...and reeeally honestly, my gut/spirit/soul says i've made the right move.

i hope i'm not wrong. but as for now, it'll have to do i guess. and i hope i sort stuff out soon.

The Last Goodnight Pictures Of You Lyrics

This is the clock upon the wall
This is the story of us all
This is the first sound of a newborn child,
Before he starts to crawl

This is the war that's never won
This is a soldier and his gun
This is the mother waiting by the phone,
Praying for her son

[Chorus]
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Hung upon your wall for the world to see
Pictures of you, pictures of me
Remind us all of what we used to be
woah-oh-oh

There is a drug that cures it all
Blocked by the governmental wall
We are the scientists inside the lab,
Just waiting for the call

This earthquake weather has got me shaking inside
I'm high up and dry

[Chorus]

Confess to me, every secret moment
Every stolen promise you believed
Confess to me, all that lies between us
All that lies between you and me
We are the boxers in the ring
We are the bells that never sing
There is a title we can't win no matter
How hard we might swing

my bandmates are the coolest bunch. i mean, we don't always get along but that's how it usually is.

so my band is...
myself - lead guitars
yuk - rhythmn guitars & vocals
nic - keyboards & piano
marc - bass
jo - drums
ser - backing vocals

today we didn't have keyboards and backing vocals so i guess it was simpler to co-ordinate. at least we see improvement each time we rehearse...and jo, myself n marc usually have more similar frequency so it was better today.

different people bring different things to the band - nic brings the best arrangements because of her background in theory and music and stuff, jo brings the nice beats and marc has groooove. well...i bring the lame jokes.

2 days more to the actual event. i'm quite nervous. hope i don't screw up in front of 500 people. *shivers*. let's just say last sunday, i screwed up during my solo intro - in front of 50 people and i was sitting down so i couldn't see them = they couldn't really see me. argh...need to focus. and hope my amp wattage is sufficient.

ok i shall not say more. i'm so tired because for the past week it has been going to work and rehearsals and then back home to practice and sleep then going to work again and the whole cycle then repeats. i'm VERY tired, but i think chances like this don't come very often...wish me luck