why is it the things that upset me the most tend to be the most pointless things. with every passing day i seem to enjoy being increasingly withdrawn because people just have the tendancy to upset me. but of course i know they don't mean it. in fact, i doubt they even know it. nah haven't told a single soul what's bothering me specifically and i don't intend to and it doesn't matter anyway after all, it's pointless right?

then again i know i'm supposed to be happy...so yes i'm happy. ultimately it's what i say that counts because humans don't read minds and if they do i'd be in quite a lot of trouble even though they'd know why i'm upset. i'm not deciving anyone by the way...i really am happy, well at least in some ways even if it's not for me. i guess i should be glad i'm not that much of a selfish person.

distinction between what i think and what i'm supposed to think seems to be getting smaller or maybe even non-existent. can quite easily make what i'm supposed to think be what i think...or at least make it seem that way to everyone then convince myself about it later. it's too easy to act cool and fine and like the whole world is at peace, easier than to admit it's not cool and it's not fine and there's utter chaos.

that aside, my life is in one big screwed up ball of mess right now. nothing seems to be going right since my sem 2 results were released. it's just been one big lousy thing after another. lousy special sem grades, unsuccessful appeal, not being allocated a GE/PE (it's really eating at me now...but nothing i can do about it) and simply the thought of not having any more room for error makes me sick...not to mention the pointless thing that upsets me.

wonder what else can go wrong...

guess jamming 8 hours a day has its perks cause i tend to forget all the crap that's upsetting me...and when i do, i play really crappily but i usually get over it after a while until i stop playing and am so tired i drop dead and forget about it totally.

i don't know whether to look forward to school starting, i think it's going to be fun but the uncertainty of getting my physics module is depressing why can't everything be nice and certain. i don't see the point of e-mailing the school because i'm lost to the extent that i don't know what i'm supposed to be asking and it's partially my fault for not choosing more electives.

and i'm really quite sorry to the guy who had to reply my very lost e-mail and i thank him for his patience in his replies. see, why do i need to be so nice to humans and then make me (not him lah, another person) make me feel lousy and then he/she/it doesn't even mean/know it.

argh ok i've had enough. i'm supposed to go write stuff but i somehow don't feel like it anymore. how am i going to get through this rubbish?

"it's down to this, i've got to make this life makes sense, can anyone tell what i've done...
i miss the life, miss the colours of the world, can anyone tell where i am...
cos now and then i find myself so far down, away from the sun again..."
-3 Doors Down